Saturday, March 17, 2012

Warning...this post could cause extreme sadness.....

This is a very sad weekend for us..... since it will be 2 years tomorrow that the most horrific experience of my life....happened.

Being St. Patricks Day doesn't have a whole lot of meaning for me except that it was the final day that you were actually on this earth with us. I never much liked the day, not being Irish, (no disrespect intended for the Irish, of course.) You wrote references in your final posts about St. Patricks Day and also I suspect that is why the blog is so green...very cute.....of course, all your design.

You had been so exited about starting your blog and was totally obsessed with what you were going to include. I know you hadn't been sleeping very well, not sure if that was one of reasons, but you had said that you were up for a ridiculous number of hours on the 17th. We decided you would take a anti-anxiety med to help you to fall asleep, which is what the doctor had recommended.

When I woke up the morning of the 18th you called me at 6:00a.m. sounding so groggy and not at all yourself. I know you were nervous to take the pill, because you weren't used to taking any meds at all. You were nervous as to how it would make you feel or if you would even wake up after taking it in your malnutrition state. You sounded very out of it and you were slurring your words...I was worried and told you to try and get some rest and I would come and check on you at lunchtime. I had to go to work that day. You told me not to worry and not to bother coming over. You were always so considerate of anyone going out of their way for you...especially me.      I insisted....... at around 11:00 I left work to drive over, being so close to where you lived I was there in 10 minutes.....I think the door was unlocked to your apartment and Niblet was so happy to see me. I knew she needed to go out since you were probably out cold from the medication. I took her for a short walk and reluctantly came back onto your apartment. I think that you knew that for years every time I would ever either call or come over there was a thought that crossed my mind that I would find you dead...if you didn't answer right away or didn't answer at all.

I know it's morbid, but I know how sick you were that's just the way I always thought.

Let's face it, through the years I always thought...you couldn't get any worse, you couldn't get any thinner and you ALWAYS did.

I walked back into the apartment and I could see you from the door in your bed with your leg hanging off the bed under your blanket. I cautiously walked into your bedroom and came up to you and tried to wake you up. Your eyes were open just a little bit and I could see you breathing, but very irregularly. Your body was moving around but you wouldn't wake up. I tried to shake you, but nothing....I started to panic and tried to stay calm with all my strength. I called Chelsey and told her that I couldn't wake you up and she suggested that I call 911 and that I should call her back to give her an update.
The call I made to 911 was so calm, I remember talking so slowly and deliberate, enunciating each word as to not freak out. As I waited for the paramedics to arrive I stepped out on the balcony, I could hear the sound of the ambulance in the distance as it grew louder and louder as it came closer to the apartment. 

There were several paramedics, police officers, firemen and also some rookies in training, as well..I found out later. I put Niblet in her cage and as they all came into the bedroom, there were a few comments made that really upset me. The moment the first paramedic took your blanket off to take a look at you he gasped and said to me," Why isn't she in the hospital"?  Moments later another said in awe, " How much does she weigh"?  I could hardly contain myself, still trying to hold it together for the sake of giving all of the proper information without losing it.

I said to him, that she had been in the hospital not too long ago...he obviously had no experience or knowledge of what we had just been through the past several years. I told the other paramedic, "What difference does it make how much she weighs".  Ooooh I was so mad at that point and a few months later I did call the station to discuss the insensitivity of the officers in this situation. They explained that this was something that they were not used to seeing. Someone in your state of malnutrition really took them by surprise, they did apologize and assured me that they would be giving more information and knowledge to the men in the future and to be more sensitive to families in what their comments would be. This reaction gives me more reason to want to write my book in order to make people more aware and get a better understanding of this insidious disease and the effects it has on the human body...and mind.

Dad, Chel and I met the ambulance at the hospital, it was midday when we arrived. We had been in the hospital countless times over the years, due to Anorexia, but this time felt different. They put that horrible life support tube in you to help you breathe. It was awful to see you that way...we tried to comfort you by rubbing your hair and talking to you. They said that you were in a hypoglycemic coma and more than likely you could hear us talking to you. After several hours of waiting and consulting with the doctors Dad decided to stay at the hospital while Chel and I went to tend to Niblet and get clean clothes to come back. We had planned on being there for however long it took for you to get better and come home. As we left the parking lot of the hospital we turned right onto the street and dad called us to hurry back...there was a "code blue" in your room.  We rushed back to the emergency room and ran down the corridor to see 7 or 8 hospital staff working on you. Oh, how surreal it all was, it seemed like a dream, a terrible, out of control dream...I wished I could have woken up.

We were waiting in the waiting room listening to the sounds of 8 people trying to revive you...a doctor came in asking us how much longer we wanted them to keep trying. They had a difficult time keeping your heart beating...
As I looked around at Chelsey I saw her start to lose it, she almost fainted, then looked at dad and saw him start to lose it.  Okay, I guess that means that I will have to hold it together..I won't be able to fully freak out like I was going to. It turned out to be a good distraction for me, I was always the nurturing one of the family anyways, it's my job.

I think that for so long the thought of this dreaded day played out in my head so many times and when it really happened there is no possible way to prepare in anyway. It was nothing like I ever imagined. It was so much worse......
After they stopped trying to revive you they came to get us from the adjacent room.
The hospital staff was very nice and allowed us to stay with you as long as we wanted to. We had them take that tube out of your throat and stayed with you for a while. You were probably above us looking down at us as we cried and said our goodbyes.

I refuse to say goodbye....you are still with us and I talk to you all the time, especially while writing my book.

I felt the need to explain your last day here on earth being the anniversary day.

This beautiful basket came today from the Ninette, Erick, Marta, Nina, Lucas with such a beautiful card in memory of you
 I promise from now on we can talk more about happier times and hopefully I will be able to express in my writings, your life, including the many years you lived with anorexia...and the person you were without anorexia..the real you!

I miss you more than you can imagine....m

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