Thursday, March 18, 2010

purple horseshoes, dead bunnies and underwear

yeah,oh yeah, that's right, lucky charms..(i know, two days in a row with the gory titles, just keep reading it'll work:) (i'm hoping someone ate them for breakfast this morning in honor of today!) So i never really got into the whole luck thing, i just never really bought it, ya know? but there are three things that i totally believed were lucky and these be them- when i was younger (and actually, i think now too, lucky charms are my baby sisters favorite breakkie of champions) I myself never found them to be particularly magical, nor particularly delicious. Those crispy little sugar nuggets they randomly tried to pass off as marshmallows, really? marshmallows? i don't see the resemblance? maybe the 200 year old petrified ancestor of a marshmallow. and the cereal itself with it's mangled, pagan looking shapes wasn't even good...i'd way rather eat alphabits-they were the good tasting version of the the cereal part of lucky charms. lucky charms would probly make a buttload if they eliminated the cereal part altogether...anywhoo,when we sat down for breakfast and baby sis was having some charms, it would be my lucky day too:) i would dig my little kid paws into her box of luck and get four purple horshoes.  ONLY four, and they HAD to be arranged like a standing horse (um. red flag!red flag!-how you say- eating disorder tendencies ? ocd? danger will robinson!) and set  in front of my bowl while we enjoyed our breakfast. then i would proceed to think that my day was lucky. (except that freaky little leprechan just rubbed me the wrong way..share your cereal asshole! why so stingy general mills? same with the silly rabbit! why can't he just have some trix? Share the love. i'm just sayin.) second lucky thing, while we're talking bunnies, i confess, -shudder- had a rabbits foot. that I was loved. -double shudder- you remember these? 
- the vegan in me shudders again- (mine was purple, light on top dark on the could feel it's creepy poor little foot bones, but it was soooo soft and i got it at the airport off of one of those spinny displays with every name on key chain license plates-except for monica-much too exotic back in the day...) well that poor little dead bunny's toes hung on my house key and until my smelly dog had it for lunch one day, i whole heartely thought i was the luckiest six year old on the block. (tear) i'm sorry bunny. I hope you died of natural causes. (and how do they still have these? peta? bueller? they sell them on amazon! what? now i know bunnies get around the block, maybe they drive little bunny cars that say

but still, i feel guilty.) Kay third lucky these so work-and for anyone who competes in anything, highly recommended. get yourself some good luck undies for the big game. :) quick recap-i used to ride horses...alot. read, ten a day, horsehow every weekend.  i had a pair of blue silky underwear (gasp! tramp!) that i HAD to wear on any big class day (there is one problem with this scenario..big class days often require white breeches...severe panty line be damned, at least people knew i came to kick some ass.)and on that note, my contribution and entertainment for today as promised was to represeent the green..
not that green                                                                                             this green.

top o' the morn! just for sharts and giggles i did a shot. yum. wheatty. what the big boys eat. no irish car bombs for me- (have you guys ever done that?  it seems like it would be sort of like shoving an entire loaf of bread down you throught at once,no?)  also as homage to the saint... gratutitious cabbage innards...cabbage only seems right to me if it is ridiculously over boiled and cut in a wedge like that.  lucky me.               
I also shamrocked my socks with this guy....are you gettin' this camera guy? can I get a sham wow up in here?  i used a chunk of  fu' (thanks for everything julie newmar)almond  milk, spinaca, aka, natural food coloring, peppermint and vanilla x, like an eighth tsp. xanthum, and he who shall remain unamed that comes in yellow packets. (can I please get a hook up nu-naturals now  that i have a blog? c'mon:) into the bullet, said a few words..  mmm.magically delish.  
also over in the pea house yesterday, mama seemed to want to have a dinner party at her old laptop...yes please, may I have reservations at eight? raisins and crumbs you say?  I'll take two orders!  anything served at your house I want! but anyways, i laughed to myself when i read her post because i was going to ask if you guys if your cameras  perpetually smelled like peanut butter or if it was just me.... (mp- just wanted to let you know i feel much better. even though i don't have small children.  just me. okay never mind, i don't feel that much better.) any ways i made some greepea guac in lou:) 
 looks disgusting. tasted good. 
tasted better after a good green dousing of this..o' happy st pats.  do you guys and dolls have any tips for picture arrangement? it takes me forever, then i can post in a more timely fashion:) right now i feel unfashionably late.  more pees and ques. for today..fess up-who got lucky?  anyone get plastered? okay, okay, just tell me what your lucky charm was/is.
ps. i really am just curious about who got lucky, so spill.
pps. i really hated that leprechan.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Blood, guts, and balls

hungry yet?

What the what?!? Isn't this supposed to be a food blog? stick with me here,it'll allmake sense in the end. (i hope.) (but i'm not gonna lie, I'm not making any promises....) okay, the blood. so, i have a significant other, and sadly, it is not mr. talaga- he was too cute anyway, he's probly a big douche now. or gay. her name's niblet. i adopted her last year and she's so gd cute i want to make her into a mudpie, eat her, and then POO her all over the table. anyways, i was kinda drawn to her cause she's a hot mess, like myself, shall we say, a little mangled. she was born with a hairlip and cleft palate on a military base and they were going to shoot her, but one tail at a time rescued her, fixed the palate, left the lip. she was the runt, and they said about half the size of her litter mates, so i'll just say she's a mini pitt for lack of a better breed name.:) she's not this bad....

She looks a little more like this.....
could. you. die? I just want to smush her. (and SUPRISE!! my mom brought me her camera, so let the fun begin....) Please to enjoy. (she looks like an alien in these pictures. what the hell is she looking at?)
so back to the blood..this mongoloid has some talons on her. and their black and they grow like weeds-
(rawr)so anyways, she seems to think it's her god given right to sleep on my bed, ie,me. we now have a difference opinion on this subject. she bounded her merry way onto my bed (or so she thought)my leg was a casualty of war.  bleeding on my nasty old yoga pants i'm not too upset about- blood dripping onto my fairly new kicks on the following day does not a happy monica make. kay, now that vent is out of the way, and you've met the bitch, onto the guts. as in i guess i have to spill 'em and tell you little more about me...i avoid this for lots of reasons- i bore myself. i'm sick of telling my "story" cause i find it to be about as interesting as watching golf on tv, and about as original as that bastad at the ba in Good Will Hunting.  (also i'm a chronic procratinator.)  b. i don't like to sit in my shit and whine about poor me-so when do finally get around to it, i promise to hide it on a separate 'about me' page and you guys dont have to be subjected to the snoozefest unless you click over there-deal?  (but hey, I know you will cause no one can really look away from a good trainwreck, but you've been warned. i'm absolved of any responsibility.:)   but in a nutshell, emotionally-i'm twelve.  (on a good day)  physically-i'm ninety. (on a good day)  (for real guys and dolls.  yeah, i have a life line.  and i'm not talking about a cute Frieda Pinto.)  mentally-i'm somewhere in between.  chronologically-thirty-one:)  so now that the unpleasantess is outta the way...I gotta thank you guys SOOO much for all the feedback and support thus far!!  i was expecting maybe like one of those nasty, hemp looking welcome mats that are always caked in mud....would have been thrilled even with a dorky "wipe your paws" welcome mat, but you girls rolled out the red carpet!  (if mariah carey had this much support maybe she could lug around those gigantic knockers while she was drunk.)  so thanks. (if your still reading this.)  onto the balls!! (twss.) so i have an affinity for food on a stick....i blame bakerella...and with summer coming everyone likes a frozen treat, right?  here ya go..(maybe this will be my claim to fame like a certain chocolate covered bloggettes brood of children..or the raw donut holes of a certain evil kitchen demon...:)  (yea, i know...probly not.  i'm the new kid, but i gotta aim high. if you guys have a beef with me-or in this case-lightlfe veggie beef strips- i'll see you at the bike racks after school.  but be warned...i wear i'm injured, plus i have the bod of your gramma as previously discussed so it wouldn't be a very fair fight.) anyways-go make these now!  here's what i used.  
which i then turned into these little turds. (man that's a baaad picture....)  they're 1/4 tsp. balls o' bliss..then i froze em' for a few on some non-stick aluminum, and lumped teaspoons of naturally nutty around them like so...then i stuck toothpicks in them, rolled em' up in almonds and back in the deep freeze.

(now i know they're a little pedestrian, but like i said, i'm new, gimme a break.)ladies and gentlemen i give you sticky balls. yuum. (say it like Paula Deen.)  Pete Schwety and chef from south park ain't got nuthin' on me.  put these in your mouth and suck em'! (yeah i said it)  you could make these with so many variations and i've been lurking long enough to know how those little bloggie brain wheels are spinning-so go drop trough (just cause it's fun not to wear pants sometimes) and show me your balls,kay? (two other brilliant ideas for  ridonkey-kong  treats- whip up some banana soft serve and stir in those little frozen turds, or make that evil Averie's raw cookie dough and stir it into vanillaricedream!) your welcome.  alright gametight, i'm spent.  hope everyone rocks out st. paddy's day..all i know is mine will include cabbage and a fake shamrock shake. let the farts commence!
ps. does anyone else think,and/or hold entire conversations in movie references- or is it just me?  (it's a good thing i entertain myself i guess...:)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Dear Diary...

i heart Mike T.

this little gem was pretty much all that littered the pages of my first diary. (Although apparently I "playad" with aubrey a lot too.) It was awesome, shiny pink and purple cover with hearts all over it, multicolored lined pages and the best part-a pink sand filled see through heart sandwiched in the cover. awesome I tell you. (as soon as my camera has a battery and I get this picture business happening I'll post a picture, It's in the works, bear with me, and I'm sorry to make you use your imagination cause it's hard to explain the coolness of this diary) Mike T. in case your wondering was my second grade boyfriend. Oh yes, Mike Talaga, cutest boy in the class. He who coined the phrase "get out of my bathroom!" if you were synchronize swinging with him on the swings. what a bad boy. I, of course, was allowed to swing next to him- we were exclusive.(I'm no floozy.) This was the extent of our relationship...that and the occasional handholding (don't make eyecontact, don't make eyecontact, don't make eyecontact-let go and run away!) -le sigh. (anyways, the journal writing eventually morphed into mountains and mountains of food journals and calorie counts which is not nearly as fun as swings.) And on to my point, I think I need to just consider this my diary. I ultimately have to write this for me, and I suppose it's a good thing that I'm all spun up about writing things down again,but my journal writing, feelings wise, has been less than stellar in the past. (well, in second grade it was pretty good....) I guess I'm not really sure what I want to put out into the universe so I'm just going to try to be authentic and if you guys want to laugh at me along the way and give me a good kick in the ass when I'm sitting in my pee pants I can't wait. (gonna make like Ryan Reynolds in Just Friends-hug my snow globe, wear rental skates and "be myself". (man, that sounds so less gay when his mom sings it to him in the shed than when I write it down.) but- due to my constant need for approval and perfectionism tendencies i worry about who might read this and what I want to write, and this is only my second post! Is that normal? nevermind, I know about how normal I am.... in the middle of the night I'm thinking about what I want to write later, i hope that goes away. I enjoy sleep. I think I'm like a little kid with a sparkly new toy, I'm over stimulated with this blogging thing:) so i'm going to pretend it's just my diary, ie, what I heart and food journals:) I hope you all stick with me while I figure this picture bizz stuff out and get settled!:) (i ate a tangelo today that I so wanted to take a snapshot of-it a had a nipple on it like one of those african women with aureoles the size of frickin cds. damn you batteries, thank you tangelo for being yummy.)
pees and ques for today-did this happen to anyone else when they first started blogging? does it go away?

ps. I still kind of heart you Mike T.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Here we go yo...

What's up tribe called quest? So. First things first, thanks for stopping by:), and I'm going to immediately ask for some advice before I get too far into this whole blogging business.... Originally I wanted to call this blog verbal diarrhea but then I started to think about people who might stumble upon this page looking for poo related things and who may have the sense of humor of a nine year old boy or who are otherwise unsavory... in other words, people like me, the word diarrhea never fails to make me giggle and poo humor just doesn't get old. Ditto for tearing ass, farts are always hilarious. It's kinda like that's what she said. I don't want it to be funny anymore but it just is. so there's that. I also considered bean machine but that could also potentially have pooing connotation so I nixed that one as well. Pretty soon I had myself a list like one of those mommies who hoard lists of babies names from when they were twelve and apply to preschools for their number named offspring pre-pregnancy. I so want to keep this list to myself for a rainy day and what if someone else snatches up one of my names and I decide I want it? (Like these women, whom I don't like-who might decide to have another baby and they can't tell anyone else the names they didn't use. I'm her! I don't like her.) But then I thought what makes me think that I'm the one who was so clever as to come up with these titles? Someone else surely has these names squirreled away for themselves or is already using them so here we go. Back to my plea for advice. Blog name?? Like it, yeah or nea. (cause I got a pocket full of em!) I contemplated same shit, different day but it sounded not really fun to read, I need a good lure, a little make-up so to speak:) Plus I don't want to offend any one right off the bat with my swearing. (Which I have in the past tried to address but it never works so I'll apologize in advance for being a truck driver. For a while I tried to just use first letters, like "oh, eff!", or "what the ess?", and regularly trying to use "a-hole". Didn't work. It just doesn't roll off the tongue, know what I mean? But I still like to use a-hole sometimes cause i enjoy the way it sounds but my brain just isn't fast enough to catch when I swear in normal conversation. (damn you lack of nutrition!! starving brain=uncontrollable vulgarity? Discuss.) (Plus if your offended by swearing I've probably already lost you. I am more offended by my over use of parenthesis. I annoy myself. So I'm not going to apologize anymore after this for saying shit.:)My second favorite was like a vegan but then I would be singing old school madonna all day. (not to say that's a bad thing) Then I thought Soy Nut was cute, no need to explain this one. I eat soy. I'm nuts. Works right? Fruit Loop is along the same lines. So was Open Mouth, Insert Food. Like this one. I could even abbreviate it OMIF. But alas, I will never be as awesome as that which is KERF, whom I adore, so no givsies backsies and I won't go there.:) Plus I'm kinda against the whole lol, and omg kinda thing. and I don't get this twitter business. I'm such a computer illiterate and now I'm the old one. (yeah, I had a nintendo, I played punch out. No shame.) There is also green stuff, which would work on numerous levels because my favorite thing in the world when I was little, that was present at the table of every family gathering, was pistachio pudding. aka green stuff. that's its name. I really don't think that if you asked one of my family members to make pistachio pudding they would have any idea what you were talking about. My only qualm with this title is that I may be falsely advertising that I am more earth friendly than I really am. Not that I don't make an effort but I use more than one square of toilet paper and I love me a chinet plate. (This is going to have to change since I plan on using my cute plates when I post meals, so take that carbon footprint!) This is also the problem I have with this current title, but it's growing on me and ultimately it will cure the current paper plate situation I have so all is well. I could go with the traditional kiss my grits, but in my case it would have to be kiss my stone ground,organic tiny portion of grits because i'm afraid of carbs grits, and that just doesn't work. Now along these lines i thought of smooch my nooch, but I worry if your not a vegan/vegetarion/food nerd what may think nooch is. I anticipate many a dirty grandpa. Um, no thank you, axnay on the oochnay. Another favorite contender-talkin'snack- and although flattery is the highest form and all, I sorta feel like the amazing, bossy Kailey owns all things snacky so i kinda want to leave it to the proffesionals:). Okay. I digress. If your still with me I promise not all of my posts will be this random and long, I'll try to keep it to the minimum, you know, the eats, the crazy thoughts and the like in a shorter fashion cause I know you girls and random guy have got's who I envision might possibly be reading this...and PLEASE don't take offense, I make fun of myself way more than I make fun of anyone else and I never want to hurt any one's feelings. Besides, if I don't laugh I'll cry.
a. you're a food blogger. you've come across the page and you're thinking what's up? Where's B,L, & D? Who is this chick? I think she might have signed up for my giveaway once. I have a million other blogs to read/comment on and an extremely adorable husband/ boyfriend to go do fun things with. I'm going to a cool restaurant, and then run a marathon. later! (ps. you girls amaze me. truly, I'm in awe and your one of the reasons i'm going to try to write this blog and not just stalk yours silently anymore. I want to be like you.)
b. you have an eating disorder too. you're thinking what's up? How much does she weigh? where's the food porn? what's her bmi? where's the tiny plates? baby spoon? I don't have time to read posts this long, I have to go exercise, make food, plan, get on a scale, or purge. So many calories to count and so little time! (Double points if you've gotten this far because stereotypically we have the attention span of a gnat. I myself need something shiny.) (p.s. I'm with you sister, and I'm so sorry your hurting. I wish I could take your pain away. You are also one of the reasons I want to write things down:) found this page looking for gene simmons or to score some weed, in which case there's no way you've read this far unless your bong knocked into the page down button while you were taking a huge hit. (p.s. you don't have an impact on me writing this at all but feel free to hang out while you inhale doritos:)
d.your my mom. (p.s. I love the shit out of you.)
So to all of you-what do you think? Keep the name kiss my grass? Lemme know.
(Eats,poops,sleeps? Nah, sounds too close to the lovely Jenna, who I also adore!! Can you say girl crush?) Again, I'm sorry to start off with such a bizzaro post but hey it can only get better right!? -Things to come....I'll tell you about me, and like I said, eats and the daily hum drum...and yes, there will be pictures. :) Later gators!