Did you ever know someone who happened to be going through some horrible trauma or drama in life that you couldn't imagine going through. I'm sure you have listened and been a good sympathetic friend or relative...but haven't you in the back of your mind or even in the front of your mind thought to yourself, ''Man, I feel sorry for this person, but I am soooo glad that I am not in their shoes....glad that's not me having to endure what she is going through".
Well...... I'M THAT PERSON.........I'm the one who nobody wants to be..almost like it's contagious and maybe if we don't talk about it, it will go away.
I'm the one people say things like,"you are so strong" or " I don't know how you cope or deal with losing a child". The fact of the matter is, that we do what we have to do in life....things are dealt to us much the same as a hand in a poker game and we do what we have to in order to survive. We can choose to not get out of bed and cover our faces with the bedsheets and go back to sleep forever....actually sometimes sounds rather appealing....but I feel that I just keep pushing forward day in and day out...waiting...waiting, but not sure what I am waiting for.
Each day I miss you more and more, there is not a day that goes by that you are not on my mind and when I drive down the street I think if you and your apartment up the street where you used to live. It is summer now, which was your favorite time of year. The warmth of the sun would keep you from being cold...how you loved to lay out in the sun, not to mention the tanning booths all year round.
I would say that the last few years you were here....were the most difficult for everyone involved...especially you, of course. I want to talk a little about how some things effected me. Our relationship was so close even though it was so stressful trying to get you some help in your late stages of your illness. It was so difficult not to lose hope......you always worried about being a burden. You constantly were more concerned about my life and schedule than your own.
When we would go places together you were always in your own little world and focused on what you were doing. For example, I remember the day we went to the farmers market in Barrington. We got out of the car and walked down the street to the market. It didn't matter where we would go people would always take a double take as you walked by...you being so extremely thin, I don't think people were used to seeing any human being in the condition you were in. I know that it was easier for you to go places with me where there were strangers rather than people you knew and were emotionally connected with. You never really seemed to notice people staring at you or looking at you as you walked by. On the other hand I saw it all! I could see people's reactions where you were always in your own world, especially at a farmers market. This was one place where you were always over stimulated....food....veggies....honeys....spices...fruits......homemade goodies you would try and duplicate, never eat.....you were just in la la land when you were at a place like that or a grocery store would give you the same thrill.
So this particular day, which was a Thursday, we are walking up the street in Barrington towards the farmer's market and I spot a woman as we are approaching and getting closer to her, I see you looking around at the various table of items and fruits and vegetables. So we get close and closer and she is fixated on you and in turn I am fixated on her staring at you. As we pass by she quickly turns her head still staring intensely to catch you as you pass...I could not help myself by saying, " Could you stare any harder"! After saying it I realized that my comment didn't make much sense, but I was so irritated, that it was the only thing I could think of to say. I never was real clever in coming up with good come backs or good comments.
All I know is that when I see a person, no matter who it is, that has something wrong with them or something abnormal or different about them, I make sure I treat them as normal as possible and not make them feel uncomfortable. So After I made my comment to her she snapped out of her trance and looked at me with sadness in her face. The funny thing about it is that you could care less, and you never noticed any of it.....I would tell you after the fact, I would say, "did you see that lady staring at you"?..... and you would always say, " really? I didn't even notice".
There really were only 2 times that I can remember that I ever actually said anything to anyone. The other time was the day I dropped you off at the grocery store to pick something quick up. I went to park the car and came in a few minutes later...you had turned the corner by the vegetables and I saw a girl come running from the next aisle who saw you come in the store and turn left, she was motioning to her boyfriend to come and see this girl (which was you) and she was commenting how unbelievable and how he had to see it. She was reacting like this right in front of me as I walked in not knowing I was the mother of the unbelievable attraction and had just dropped you off, so I said very sarcastically, ''yeah, you better go check it out, it's amazing"! Oohh it made me angry and sad at the same time. When I told you about it you laughed and said, "Go...mom". I loved your reaction....
Don't get me wrong, I have lots of tolerance for most people, but when it comes to someone I love so dearly, I feel a certain sense of protection towards one. I do understand that people are curious, but after so many years of the same type of reactions from people it just used to get on my nerves and made it difficult to deal with. In my next post I am planning on sharing some positive experiences that have touched me tremendously over the years.