I am so happy that I had this done, It just makes me feel closer to you.......
On March 18th, 2010 which was the worst day of my life, I remember leaving the hospital with Chelsey and Dale realizing that I would never have the opportunity to see you again. It was difficult to leave you, however, I am realistic enough to know that you were no longer in the body that anorexia had so maliciously destroyed. After a few days I decided to write you a letter to have read at your memorial service, since it would have been impossible for me to read myself. I wanted to post this letter that I so passionately wrote from the bottom of my heart. I guess it is apropos to have it on your blog on the eve of Mother's Day....
So here it is:
Dear Anorexia,
Do not take the dear as to mean endearment in any way, you
have done your job quite well, although
this victim, Monica, for whom you never had any regard fought very hard and very long, she was no match for the power you
possess. You managed with ease to take a
beautiful, wonderful , innocent person who well deserved a normal happy life
and eventually destroyed her. You are
evil and I hate you. I wish I could destroy you and crush you and make you
disappear and never hurt anyone again.
Dearest Monica,
I am so sorry…sorry that you have had to endure this monster
for all of these years. I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you and help you
destroy your enemy. Please know that it
is not your fault and never was your fault. You have taken so much of the
burden and responsibility for much of what has transpired over the years. I am here once again to tell you it was never
your fault. You are so special to me and
I am glad that I could be there for you, when friends and family, who
loved you so much found it too painful
to be around you. You fully understood their pain and blamed yourself.
Your father and I were so elated when you were born 31 years
ago. You were the first grandchild for Grandma and Grandpa and they couldn’t
have been happier. I know that you and Grandma had such a special relationship
and it comforts me to know that you are
now in their arms. Sometimes I have dreams of Grandma and Grandpa and
once I had a dream about Charity. It was almost like I saw them again and
visited them. I hope to have lots of dreams of you. For now I will hold onto
the beautiful memories of you with our
family during the happy times when you were growing up with your “baby sis”. I will remember what a sweet child you were
and how you always helped me with Chelsey when she was a baby. You were so proud of her. I will always remember the first day of
school when I put you on the bus and as it drove away I cried like a baby. You had such special talents that they put
you in gifted classes and told me what a joy you were to have.
You grew up to be such a wonderful person who we loved so
much and were so proud of. Dad would wear buttons with a picture of you and
Chelsey on them on his lapel of his jacket at the Mercantile every day. He
would change them out every so often. He started a trend and noticed other
traders were doing the same with their kids.
Then the day arrived
when you asked me for riding lessons, everything changed forever. I told you
that all I would buy you was a hardhat for your protection; I guess I didn’t
think you would stick with it and boy was I wrong. For the next 8 years you
amazed us time and time again all with your natural ability to ride and take a
horse around a course beautifully, except for the time Blackie stopped at
Ledges and you fell off and broke your arm. You still gracefully got up and
said, “I think I broke my arm”. Oh and
the time that you fell off at Stateline and went to the emergency room and were
treated for a concussion. You were reading something on the way out and walked
right into a metal sign. I remembered how much we all laughed. During your many years of riding you touched
so many lives…you made friends so easily and even though you wanted to always win,
you had a way of competing with others so graciously. The year you won Jr. Rider of the Year we were so proud of you. It was just another tribute
to how much everyone admired you. There are so many years of great memories,
funny stories from all of the people who have ever come in contact with you.
You were a wonderful, beautiful, giving, thoughtful, funny
and loving woman. You have shown time
and time again how talented you are in the kitchen, how you had such an ability
to create delicious dishes from scratch and of course using me as the taste
tester. You are an amazing artist and have created beautiful pencil and pastel
drawings. You have proven to be a natural at riding and showing….I have always
been so proud to say that you rode at Madison Square Garden on Malmo.
Your sense of humor has always amazed me. You were one of the funniest people I know, I
have told you so many times how much you have always cracked me up. You
were a joy to be with. You astounded me in so many ways, for example, your
skill at Scrabble, you knew you were the best of anyone attempting to play with
you. I remember that high score of over 400 once, you were so proud of
yourself…..I literally only beat you 2 times, which was a feat in itself. Your
vocabulary was incredible and I would often call you for help if I didn’t know
a word or what a word meant….especially if it was related to food. You could
have easily become a nutritionist or a chef, for sure, how you could create
food dishes from scratch, never even tasting anything, the dishes would be
delicious. You took so much pride in feeding others with your creations, I only
wish that you could have enjoyed all of the foods that everyone else enjoyed,
you deserved it.
Your love of books made you interesting to talk to and I was
impressed with how much you knew about
every book in the library and their authors, then the books on tape which you
would listen to on the fastest speed, it always sounded so mechanical, but I
know it kept you company. Your Kindle
was your company for the last few months, not to mention Niblet, who adored you
and would look at you with such love in her eyes. She will miss you, but not to worry she is
being well taken care of.
I have loved being your mother; even though our time together
has been cut short….I will always remember your beautiful smile and your wonderful
spirit. You may have thought you were
alone, because your illness isolated you so, but I hope you can look down upon
us today and see all of the love in this room and realize how admired and
adored you were the whole time.
When your ashes are made into a diamond you will shine
forever, not only in our eyes but in our hearts.
You will be terribly missed by all that ever knew you.
Much love and affection forever……Mom
I wanted to throw in a few more pictures, the first is our last Scrabble Game. I believe it was your turn....also the paper where we were keeping score. We couldn't ever play the full game in one sitting, so it was always on-going.You really were the best at Scrabble and now that I have been reading lots of your writings, I can't believe how great you were at writing.....you could have been a writer or anything your heart desired, you were so brilliant....miss you more than I can ever express.......m
I wanted to throw in a few more pictures, the first is our last Scrabble Game. I believe it was your turn....also the paper where we were keeping score. We couldn't ever play the full game in one sitting, so it was always on-going.You really were the best at Scrabble and now that I have been reading lots of your writings, I can't believe how great you were at writing.....you could have been a writer or anything your heart desired, you were so brilliant....miss you more than I can ever express.......m
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