Dorothy (the pastor who created your beautiful memorial service and friend) thought that this represented your life, in a way, how you left us way too soon without finishing your life....
Over the years people would periodically ask me, "How did Monica get sick? Do you know how she got Anorexia"? I would always say the same explanation each time. I remember one of the therapists I used to see, she had explained to me that there is no single reason why one acquires an eating disorder...it is like a pie and there are many pieces to the pie. I guess in a nutshell that there are so many different components that all may play a part in a person using an eating disorder to cope with difficult life situations. There are many similarities and common behaviors in people who have eating disorders, but you never know what may help or not help someone recover.
What may work for one may have an opposite effect on another.
When we first took you to get help at the very beginning of the nightmare you were in an outpatient program for 8 months. After they basically taught you how to eat again you wanted no part of recovery. You were slowly being possessed by the evil of Anorexia. When people who are going through difficult times in their lives and feel very much out of control they will use the eating disorder to feel in control. In actuality you are very much out of control...but IT makes you believe otherwise...there is very little one can say or do to talk the person out of going down that path.
You were so involved in your riding for so many years..it was your passion, your hobby, your every breath revolved around the barn, riding, horses show..etc.
After you were to turn 18 you would no longer be considered a child (Jr.) rider but would then go into the next division of riders known as an "amateur adult rider". That terrified you so much.....
I remember you were feeling so lost at that time in your life and wondered what would happen to you when you wouldn't be a Jr anymore. You were looking for guidance and never really found anyone to help you through those feelings. I think you felt useless and very scared.... I believe that this was one piece of your pie. Transitioning into adulthood is very overwhelming for lots of young people....
You also told me later that you had started having eating disordered thoughts way before we even thought anything was wrong. In some of the videos, during the horse shows in which you qualified for, you could see that you were beginning to loose a bit of weight and your breeches were a tad loser that they should have been.
I am posting the horse show that you went to Regionals in Kentucky, which I promised to do in one of my previous posts. Again, I regret tremendously not being there...I will always regret being so afraid of flying and wishing I could have been braver. I was still as proud as a mother could be and I know you had a great time with your friends that you went with. I know it was a very exiting time for you and you have never been happier.....but little did we know what was lurking around the corner.
There was one story I remember you telling me....I'm not sure which horse show it was, but I suspect it was the "Madison Square Garden" horse show. Just before you entered the arena to begin your round, you reached around and picked your underwear out of your butt crack....which I like to refer it as having "creepers"......so funny....all your friends teased you about that for years and years!
Here is the Kentucky Regionals clip of your amazing riding......
I miss you so much.......m
Posts
Reading these comments each week makes me really miss her so much but also makes me feel good remembering all of the good times and how much I miss Monica. It helps put a lot into perspective. I am still at a loss. Dad
ReplyDelete