Sunday, January 8, 2012

Another Year Gone By......

I can't believe we are now entering onto 2012....i am sitting here in my living room listening to a play list on my zune that chel made for you with all of the songs that you liked, loved, songs that reminded chelsey of you.....i know you would like it..... i do and listen to it all the time. i have candles lit all over the room, which i also know you would love too, since i couldn't keep up buying enough candles for you since you would constantly burn them and therefore have them for such a short time. i will never forget, and dad just told this story the other day at our compassionate friends meeting. when you lived in the apartment in the city on belmont and the lake...you left your candle on all night long after falling asleep. when you awoke the candle was out but there was soot everywhere, since it had been lit under one of the shelves on your bookcase and i think it was too short to be a safe distance. that day it took me hours to help you clean your apartment everything was black. i am so surprised how lucky you were in so many instances where your actions put you in danger. i blame the evil monster that lived within you for everything bad that ever could have happened to you and everything bad that did happen to you.

the craziest story you ever told me was years ago when you lived at gregs house on the property of canterbury farm.....you were about 19 or 20 years old and anorexia had just grabbed a really good hold of you. you wanted nothing to do with recovery and basically just started getting real comfy and cozy with the enemy. he always made it seem like he was your friend,but in reality he was trying to destroy you. everyone around could see it but you were unable to, that was one of the magic powers it possessed. so anyways, one of the effects of some of the behaviors which you were compelled to do, such as not eating the correct foods to give you energy and probably exercising to a ridiculous amount of hours...you would be going about your business and then be so tired that sometimes you couldn't make it home before falling asleep at the wheel. you drove to the jewel near where you were staying and was planning to shop but took a short nap in the car....you woke up in the middle of the night to someone banging on your car door trying to wake you up. there had been a person shopping and walked by your car and saw you sleeping and thought the worst, they had called the police......there were several fire engines, several ambulances, several police cars all thinking that there was a person in the car they thought was not alive....you must have been so freaked out i can't even imagine.....it was just the first of several experiences that were similar in nature to that one. i only wished you would have come home and agreed to a different path than what you were taking.


you had a silver VW beetle.......one time i was looking for you and couldn't find you anywhere, i was going crazy with worry. i went looking for you and found you at the bank in elgin in the parking lot fast asleep in your car...i couldn't wake you up........how bazaar.

those days are times when i wish never existed....i wanted the days back of innocence and childhood and having some type of protection i could provide for you guys...as your mother...i just wanted to protect you from the world forever...

miss you more than you can imagine......m

1 comment:

  1. I remember the candle and the Jewel parking lot experience. The one about finding Monica in a bank lot in her vw must have been scary. Not being able to wake her up sure sounds familiar. I think about the last time and wish we would have let her sleep.....Such a sad sad day. D

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