Saturday, December 17, 2011

Just some ramblings....

just in case you are wondering in my last post why the random pictures of Monica's diamond with the crystal horse are at the top of the blog....it's because i couldn't figure out how to make them appear on the bottom of the page. it would have made much more sense for them to be at the bottom...i will have to ask someone or just keep playing with it. i wish i had the know how, i have so many questions about this blogging business....i just feel so "out there" not sure how to let people know i'm here....since it has been almost 2 years since Monica wrote on this blog, i know she had so many people interested in her food stuff and she had so many blogs she followed, i wonder sometimes what those bloggers thought when she never returned to write more...did they wonder what happened to her or did they figure it out. I look at her Facebook periodically to see if anyone has written to her (and they do on occasion) and one person said that they had found out about her death and without knowing the details had "suspected" that her eating disorder had something to do with her demise.

As I continue to write my book, I am going to continue writing here on her blog, writing about different experiences we have lived through. I am going to jump around back and forth and write about whatever i feel at the moment. There are 14 years of experience, ups and downs, happy times and horrible times....i think about memories every day of my crazy life, they just keep playing in my head over and over again. I say my crazy life not because i myself consider myself crazy, but i have so many hobbies, friends, busy schedule, working 5 days a week, it's overwhelming sometimes.

I used to feel overwhemed when Monica was here too, but in a different way. I always felt anxious, always felt worry, always felt so much the intense desire for her to be "okay". To this day i feel that same intense desire for her to be here and to be "okay".....it's so hard to describe in words......

the innocense of a child is so precious and sweet...this is how both my girls were for so many years as young children. we lived in a bubble of a world, happy, successful, lived in warm, loving homes next to one another...i always felt lucky that my family was healthy and we were able to do things that others might not have been able to. Im talking mainly about the ability to enter into the horsey world. Riding was the girls life for so many years beginning at the ages of 11 and to this day is still a huge part of chelsey's life. the bond between horse and girl is so strong....we used to horse show many weekends out of the year and it became so much a part of our lives...we met so many very wonderful people, who we actually still keep in contact with, thanks to Facebook, of course.
to be continued...i am struggling to stay awake...this kind of feels like when i used to journal...i think this is going to be a really good thing!

i miss you so much.....m

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